Beautiful Disaster
by JonesIantoJones
Summary: Ianto's thoughts on his life with Jack. Please read and review.


**AN: Hello everyone – had a nice weekend? This story was drifting around in my head yesterday so I had to get it down before it drifted right back out again! Its based on the Kelly Clarkson song "Beautiful Disaster." It's not really what I would call a songfic, but the ideas for it stemmed from the lyrics to that incredibly haunting song. I've put the lyrics at the end of the story so you can see what I mean.**

**  
Dedications: I want to dedicate this to Janto-Addict and gwencooper08 – keep smiling and writing. Don't you dare stop writing! I'm sure a lot of you have seen the comments about one of the communities on here grouping together fanfics they deem as bad, and several stories by myself and these two great authors have appeared in this list. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion; I just think there is a much better and kinder way to express it. I would also like to dedicate it to dazegal78509 whose stories I have the great honour of beta reading. Check out her story "The Holiday".**

**Right… enough ramblings from me. Please read and review x **

Ianto often wondered why Jack slept so little. Maybe his immortality meant he had too much life in him to spend time sleeping. More likely it was the dreams that haunted him when he did get to rest that stopped him from enjoying more than a couple of hours sleep each night. He was always there when Ianto drifted off to sleep, but more often then not the Welshman awoke to find Jack either in his office doing some rare paperwork, or watching early morning television in his lounge, depending on where they'd stayed the night before. Jack had tried to be there in the mornings for Ianto, holding him all night so the younger man could wake in his arms, but the nightmares prevented him from doing so. He'd wake suddenly, sweating and rigid, wide-awake and breathless, and on some occasions screaming and shouting, and he hated depriving Ianto of much needed rest so chose to slip out once the Welshman was deep in sleep. Ianto wished he could help. He wished he could save his lover from the dreams that haunted him, from the eternal damnation he seemed to be stuck with. But he was also scared; scared what would happen to him if he did manage to save Jack. If he could find a way to rid Jack of the dreams he would do it in a heartbeat.

Ianto wanted Jack. He wanted him forever, for his forever anyway, but it was so hard being with him. The immortal man, the man who couldn't be relied upon to stick around, the man who placed himself and his team in danger on a daily basis – Jack Harkness was more than a handful. And loving him the way Ianto did was bordering on the impossible. It was certainly illogical – falling in love with a man who had hurt him so deep, so often made no sense to anyone, especially Ianto. But no matter how hard he had tried, he couldn't shake the feelings he held for Jack. The life they led in Torchwood was full of so much fun, so much laughter, so much passion, but it was also rife with pain, with sorrow, with disaster. If Ianto managed to live, managed to survive beyond his life expectancy as a Torchwood operative, managed to have any length of time with Jack, would it really be worth all the obstacles, all the pain, and all the death that would follow them around? Was Jack really going to be worth all the effort?

Ianto knew that Jack wanted him, and not just for the physical reasons he had suspected in the early days of their "dabbling." But after all the time they had been whatever they had become, Ianto still didn't know why. Why was Jack with him? What was the immortal man looking for when he decided that he had found it in his Archivist? Ianto didn't know what Jack was after when he came to him. Sure they had a wild and wonderful physical relationship, but it wasn't just about sex anymore. They talked a lot, spent time together like normal couples, but they were far from normal. A couple who spent the majority of their days in an underground base for a secret organisation was always going to have its issues, and they had them by the bucket load. But Ianto wasn't about to try and change his lover – he had fallen in love with Jack Harkness, his good points and his bad, so he couldn't change him. He wouldn't want to. He just sometimes wished things were different.

Ianto sometimes found himself wishing for a normal life with Jack. No Torchwood, no rift, no immortality, no danger. He longed for the simple life, the logical life, a life full of love and happiness, not danger and death. But for all his wishing, Ianto loved his life – he loved the danger, loved the variety, loved the rift, and most of all loved his Captain. Sure Jack was impulsive and reckless, he was wild and hysterical, he was dangerous and daring. But Jack was also passionate and exhilarating, he was thoughtful and loving, he was incredible and he was Ianto's. Sure the nightmares affected him, shook him to his core and turned him from the brave immortal leader of Torchwood to the scared and broken man Ianto knew. Sure it was hard work being near him sometimes let alone loving him, but Ianto couldn't stop, however hard he tried. And no, Ianto didn't know where they were heading or how long he would have with Jack, but he would hold on for as long as the journey lasted, loving every minute of it. Yes, Jack was impossible. Yes Jack was something of a disaster. But he was Ianto's, he was Ianto's beautiful disaster, and the Welshman wouldn't want him any other way.

He drowns in his dreams

**An exquisite extreme I know**

**He's as damned as he seems**

**And more heaven than a heart could hold**

**And if I try to save him**

**My whole world could cave in**

**It just ain't right**

**It just ain't right**

Oh and I don't know

**I don't know what he's after**

**But he's so beautiful**

**Such a beautiful disaster**

**And if I could hold on**

**Through the tears and the laughter**

**Would it be beautiful?**

**Or just a beautiful disaster**

**He's magic and myth**

**As strong as what I believe**

**A tragedy with**

**More damage than a soul should see**

**And do I try to change him?**

**So hard not to blame him**

**Hold on tight**

**Hold on tight**

**Oh 'cause I don't know**

**I don't know what he's after**

**But he's so beautiful**

**Such a beautiful disaster**

**And if I could hold on**

**Through the tears and the laughter**

**Would it be beautiful?**

**Or just a beautiful disaster**

**I'm longing for love and the logical**

**But he's only happy hysterical**

**I'm waiting for some kind of miracle**

**Waited so long**

**So long**

**He's soft to the touch**

**But frayed at the end he breaks**

**He's never enough**

**And still he's more than I can take**

**Oh 'cause I don't know**

**I don't know what he's after**

**But he's so beautiful**

**Such a beautiful disaster**

**And if I could hold on**

**Through the tears and the laughter**

**Would it be beautiful?**

**Or just a beautiful disaster**

**He's beautiful**

**Such a beautiful disaster**


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